sixxxfeetunder

I had been so good.
Keeping every deep feeling submerged.
But i slipped this morning.

I miss him, too much.

I miss being us.

Sometimes i wonder why i put up with so much shit.
Sometimes i realize its because i feel i can find no one better.
Sometimes i belive that i somehow deserve all of this emotional abuse.

There is one arguement that i have seriously debated amongst people over the years, that is: you can't help who you fall in love with. Sometimes laws of nature stab cupid in the back; making wrong choices, leaving us here trying to make right or wrong.
Who would of thought that the one most perfect day of my life, would be the one i'd be trying to forget.

For an hour and 40 minutes I told him my mind.
And he was speachless.
I told him that he was all i've ever wanted since september.
He admitted it has been the same for him.
I asked him if he cared so much for me, why am I not worth trying for? Because he is for me.
He losses it, grabs my face and pulls it close to his. Forehead to forehead.
"Let's make this work."

My neighbor, a middle aged pimp, walked out of the house with a bandage around his head today.
I have a stack of clothing sitting in the corner that is going to make me money:
2 leather skirts.
1 pair of Marc Jacobs pants.
and "scene" wear-
Ofwhich will go up on ebay tommorow.
I'm going on a diet-
One of those replace 2 meals for 2 weeks with this wonder cereal. I'm going to be walking a mile+ every night with my Mom. We'll see how that goes, i have nothing better to do. Plus i have a reason to look good naked now.
Packing boxes and realtors invading my space are making this all too real.
I miss home.

I'm flirting with little hope.
Odds against.
He's 27.
Owns a store.
A car that doesnt run as well as he'd like.
Experienced life.
I dunno why i'm doing this- i've been here before.
Colin. He was much older, and he knew i had a crush on him,
and blew it off because i'm a kid.
I can't help that i'm attracted to experience, maturity and intelligence.
I just hope that Adam will see that i'm not just some kid.
I can't sink back into the shadows now, i've thrown myself out there-
I guess I need to let go of control and see what happens.

Just when i thought things couldnt get worse, i get a 66 on my government final.
Following a tearful phone call to my mom, i was a bit calmer.
(I never thought that she would be so comforting to me, she was the one who bit my head off everytime i got a C in highschool and now she was thanking me for calling her when i was upset. I'm so confused but happy with that situation.)
After being totally hopeless and down, i was taken out to Shafer with Emily and Deepa.
..never underestemate amazing friendships. I love you ladies, if it wasnt for you i really would still be in bed looking in shadows.
After that we went to Belle Isle, something comforted me hearing cars drive over the rivets in the highway above the bridge.
Upon spending a few minutes on the rocks i took off my sandles and let myself walk on the rocks.
There is something very grounding by walking on Earth. It was a jump back to childhood that made me settle.
I needed that.
I love my friends
and i've found my new favorite place.

I can't take school anymore, i've got one day left and right now it feels like it is going to kill me.
I'm about to have a breakdown in the middle of Emilys living room.
I'm sure its just because i'm tired that everything seems so big,
but my abillity to reason and deal with situations is compleatly gone.
I just want to sleep for days.
Fuck having a car to deal with too.

Friends:
The Dave Gore crush era in mmy life is over.
Fuck him.


Thank you-
Catie

I hate falling asleep with a phone in my hand.
It's happend way more then i'd like in the past month.
3.
I hate getting my hopes up,
getting my face pretty,
getting my hair straight,
only to fall a sleep with my feet dangling off the side of the bed
with every light and electronic equiptment on that i own.
I hate waking up at 6am to blaring childrens shows and having to undress myself
from all my preparation and put myself down for the rest of the night


knowing i've been forgotten.

A warning to all who stumble apon this page.
This is simply a documentation for me to state my internal thoughts in a place that will be safe from judgement. Growing up I held a lot of emotions inside from the pain my homelife gave me, and it wasnt until i was told by a professional that I was hurting myself more then I would ever know. So the only way that i've been able to have a smile on my face in the past year and a half is from being able to voice my worries, fears and support from friends. (I love you all). So this journal is pretty much a way to keep me healthy and not retreat back into the shadows that I lived in for 18 years.
To all of you that have chosen to read what I have to say, good and bad- Thank you, it means so much to have friends that understand a dark day here and there.


Love you,
Catie